Comfort the Grieving in Your Own Skin!

Grief support comes in many shapes and sizes.

Alligator skin is not bunny fur.  Just like, cowhide is not bird feathers.  So what does this little brief zoology lesson have to do with being a compassionate comforter?  Here it is in one sentence: Comfort others in your own skin.

Comfort in your own Skin

If you are not a card or letter writer, you can reach out to a hurting friend through text or email.  If you love to keep a stash of cards available, we have made that very easy for card lovers. Cards that Comfort are in our store. Maybe words are not your strong suit, but you are great at small acts of kindness like bringing a vase of flowers, holding open a door, offering to help with their workload at the office, or polishing shoes.  You might be the one who likes doing the small things that don’t get noticed, but you know it will make their day. You get the idea. What is your support and comfort strength?

Take Them Out

Some of you are the friend who will arrange for a concert, a camping trip, a day-drive to the river, lake or ocean.  You might be the one to invite them to a game of golf, or take them fishing, or to the car races.  You know that their isolation will only accentuate their suffering.  You also know that the brief distractions you can share with them will not heal their broken heart or fix their grief.  You know they have to work it through and do their personal hard work of mourning.  Yet, you can give them space to be themselves. Together you share an enjoyable activity that demonstrates your love and concern for them as they grieve.

Share a Meal

Others of you might be gifted in the food department.  You love to cook. You can host grieving friends in your home, or take them a meal.  Maybe cooking is not your thing, but you love food and you like to invite a hurting friend to a great meal at a restaurant.  You might share a few items from the farmer’s market. Stop some fresh produce by and let them know you are thinking about them.  The important thing is to be present with love, patience, and genuine care.  Be prepared to listen to their memories, their confusion, and their sadness.

Spiritual Nurturing

Here is another type of comforter.  These are the people who are comfortable with the spiritual side of nurturing a broken-hearted friend.  You will be the one who offers to pray.  Your faith is not shaken when your grieving friend rails against God.  Their anger doesn’t turn you away.  Nor do you try to fix it for them.  Rather, you take a mental note and at a later time, ask them if they are still thinking the same way. Then you graciously share a new perspective of God as it relates to human suffering and leave a little pebble of hope for them to hold onto.

Pity vs. Compassion

There are as many ways to comfort and support as there are people. I hope you can see you have a unique style of support a grieving person needs.  The mantra is simply; Comfort others in your own skin.  Stephen Levine puts it so powerfully,

“When your fear touches someone’s pain, it becomes pity, when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes compassion.” 

Fear creates walls, barriers, misconceptions, misunderstandings, etc.  While love comes from an authentic core and it brings healing, openness, trust, and comfort.  So whatever skin you wear, do it with love rather than fear and your grieving friend will know it is your genuine care and love that motivates you.

It Takes a Zoo . . .

Keep in mind that it takes a zoo to comfort a grieving friend.  All types of comforting friends, each doing their own part to come alongside and support those who mourn are what makes a positive difference in the lives of the bereaved.  The risk is thinking others are doing something and they might not be doing anything. So step up, and offer the comfort and support that is natural for you. Feather, fur, skin, and hide are all needed for the mourning to feel the impact of compassion through a casserole, fishing trip, cards, or a vase of flowers.

One more thing: you can always give a copy of Comfort for the Day, Living through the Seasons of Grief

Or send a beautiful card that encourages and acknowledges your friend’s grief with hope.

© Karen Nicola April 2017