A Day with a Grieving Friend
I’ll bring the scones.
Janet invited her grieving friend, Delores to spend a day together. It had been 3 months since Delores’ husband died suddenly of a brain aneurism. The summer leaves were changing into jeweled colors of amber, rust, deep ruby, and brilliant gold. The two women had previously shared many outdoor activities. But since Jack’s death, there had been no time to enjoy some of their favorite things together.
With her intense focus to weather the shock of recent widowhood, Delores had not attended to many of the regular household and yard responsibilities. Janet was the kind of friend who understood Delores’ normal routine of preparing her yard for winter. With that in mind, Janet sent a lovely handwritten note to Delores reading:
Dear Delores,
I know the weeks since Jack’s death have been like one long nightmare. We’ve talked about that. You mean so much to me and I plan to be with you through your journey of grief. Since the funeral, I have missed seeing you. Before the beauty of Fall sheds all its leaves, I want to plan a day to spend together.
First, I want to take you out for breakfast. Then I want to go to your home and rake the front yard together. I will bring a little collection of Spring bulbs to plant, so you have something to look forward to through the winter that lies ahead. Maybe we could have a bit of tea (I’ll bring the scones) and you can show me those pictures of your last trip with Jack. I look forward to spending time with you. You pick the date.
Always, your Comforting Friend, Janet
Could you write a note to your grieving friend as Janet did? What does the idea of planning a day with a grieving friend feel like to you? Do you wonder what you would do together? What would you talk about? Let me assure you, this isn’t as hard as it seems.
What Holds Us Back?
If we are honest with ourselves, many of us feel awkward and reluctant to be around a grieving person. Grieving people seem contagious. They are sad, down, or despondent. That might rub off on us. Maybe we will be the next to lose someone we love. Fear and avoiding our own pain can make us reluctant to come close to others in their pain.
Yet when imagining the lonely feelings of isolation a grieving person experiences, we can begin to understand that supporting a grieving friend is not about our comfort zone, but all about improving the comfortableness of someone with a broken heart. This is why we are called “Comforters.” Janet did an excellent job of planning a day that met Delores’ needs.
Ideas for Time Together with Your Grieving Friend
Share outdoor activities
· Together take a walk, walk the dogs, hike a favorite or new trail, go to the beach . . .
· Together visit the grave or memorial place
· Together start a garden, plant a new flower bed or bulbs, rake leaves, plant a memorial tree or rose bush or work in the yard
Share indoor activities
· Together go to a concert, grief support meeting, or go to church
· Together go out for coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinner
· Together go grocery shopping, browse the sporting goods store . . .
· Invite him or her to your home for a meal, small study group, or include in a family activity
Your Turn
Take just a moment to think of your grieving friend. Match up an idea that works for spending time together. Then take the step to extend that invitation. If your friend can’t accept your invitation as you planned, don't give up. Remain flexible until you can spend that quality day together comforting your grieving friend as Janet did with Delores. Then repeat often with a new invitation. Your grieving friend will thank you.
© Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2020
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Comfort for the Day, Living through the Seasons of Grief.
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