Tomorrow I have the opportunity to visit our son’s 32 year old grave. Each time I come to the little bench that sits under the shading oak next to his headstone, I find myself in a different emotional, mental, physical and spiritual composition. I’ve learned to go with the flow. Some graveside visits evoke sadness from the past. Others unveil happy memories that march across the landscape of my heart. Sometimes I experience inconsolable pain for the present. My imagination creates scenarios that will never be. What if . . . Dawson survived leukemia . . . got married . . . had a family . . . what would he be like? Would our relationship be as I imagine?
This year has been different. I find myself preparing for tomorrows graveside visit. I’ve been thinking ahead of time about where I want my heart and mind to focus. I write this to share with you, dear reader, but you must know I write mostly for me today.
Imagine the Resurrection
I can’t help but imagine the “Great Gettin Up Morning!” The thoughts of the resurrection are my favored companions these days. A smile reaches across my face as I write. Joy twinkles in my eyes as I contemplate this reunion. . . . to feel Dawson’s sweet warm arms wrap around my mamma neck as we hold each other in my tearful embrace. Knowing all disease is over and we both live with perfect bodies, I swing him around and around. We dance, laugh, run, fall and roll down a gentle grassy slope. Oh the revere of endless hugs and kisses. His sweet hand slipping into mine. “I love you, mommy.” And my heart skips a thousand beats when I hear his voice. I look forever into his beautiful blue eyes. They sparkle with wonder over the new natural world where birds will fly TO him instead of away! (Before his death, he loved to quietly walk towards birds on the ground saying, “here birdie, birdie” while holding out his hand offering a perch for his birdie friend. As they lifted in frightful flight, he would throw back his head and laugh.)
Our Family United
My imagination includes watching my husband with unstoppable tears of joy embrace his son – hugging him almost too tight. Both of them laugh and hug and hold. Then Dawson’s sister and brother run into the mix. The laughter is explosive, the joy beyond words. The rest of the family joins in the celebration. All the pain and suffering of living apart from one another has vanished forever. Perfect love encircles our family. We are complete and nothing but peace, harmony, and gratitude envelopes each of us. As Jesus holds his arms out wide, we find ourselves touched by His nail scarred hands and worship is our only response. For apart from Jesus, this hope could never become reality. Thank You Jesus!
The Beginning of Forever
Life without fear and worry, disease and death, suffering and pain, hate and lies is only beginning. Life with joy, peace, wonder, freedom and love will be our ever expanding experience as we grow into our fullest potential. Only my heart knows what I am attempting to communicate. When I step into the reality of what I can only hope for and imagine now, it will be beyond anything this pen can scribe. As the last few words in the book of Revelation say, “Even so, Come Lord Jesus!”
© Karen Nicola March 2017