When Comforting the Griever Gets Tough
Some grievers are more difficult to support than others.
As my husband lifted our seriously wounded family dog into the back of the station wagon, Walker turned and bit my husband’s hand. Never before had Walker ever acted aggressively towards anyone. But he was in serious pain and it seemed that Steve might be the cause of it. Possibly, you have had a similar experience with a pet or even a person. Or possibly you have lashed out at others who were innocently nearby at the wrong time for you in your pain.
When Other’s Pain Hurts Us
Comforting a grieving friend can have its prickly moments, but when authentic support is given and received, it is deeply satisfying for both parties. While it is basic to our shared humanity that we need each other, at times we push away those who are the very ones we most need. As a comforter, please remember that your efforts will eventually have positive results as you remain consistent, calm, and caring. Let’s talk about the prickles for a little bit. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind:
Hurting people are more capable of hurting other people. Short tempers and unkind words are often an automatic response towards others when we find ourselves in pain. This goes for emotional pain as well as physical pain.
If the grieving person has been known to turn passive-aggressive when their feelings are hurt, this may likely be a common default for them in the pain of grieving. Shutting down and/or pushing you out of their lives might be a natural response for this type of person.
If someone already struggles with minimal coping skills, grieving will not improve that limited ability. You might observe substance use or abuse as a method of surviving their pain. You might notice severe mood swings and other unexpected behaviors.
The level of one’s mental health plays another factor for the grieving. The shock of loss and the onset of pain produces triggers that can escalate problems for them. The mentally unhealthy person struggles to find a clear and healing path to travel with their pain.
How to Support a Hostile Griever
So if you are a friend of one who grieves and is finding it challenging to know how to comfort your friend, may I suggest that you keep a couple of things in mind for your own well being:
It is not our job to fix the pain that has overtaken the heart of our friend. Instead, it is our privilege to feel it with them and let them know we care. Just listen and cry with them. Let them set the pace. Follow their lead. Even when they isolate themselves, keep reaching out with thoughts of care via text, emails, or cards. No blame, shame, or guilt here.
Assure them that their anger, suffering, mood swings, or passive-aggressive behaviors will not turn you away from them. Be patient with them and allow some space, yet stay informed and aware of their behaviors and needs via those who might be closer to the bereaved. Their mental health challenges and how it interacts with their broken heart is their business and their work. Our part is to support them and encourage them to get professional help through a grief coach, counselor, or other mental health professional. (Many pastors do not have training in this type of counseling and might not be a dependable resource.)
Keep very clear and healthy boundaries for yourself so that you are aware of who is responsible for what: they are responsible for their healing work and seeking resources to help them, we are responsible to listen, care, encourage, and pray.
Praying for the hurting and brokenhearted griever is a God-given privilege. Taking a crushed and pain-filled friend to the throne room of God is a powerful influence in each of our lives. God knows our friend’s needs completely. He knows our gifts, skills, and limitations also. By keeping ourselves and our friend in prayer, God will be able to work on both of our behalves to bring grace and mercy at just the moment needed. So as much as possible, pray with your friend when you are together. Pray for him or her when you are apart. Pray for yourself and for God’s patience. Ask for heartfelt understanding and ongoing support for your friend.
Your friend needs you to be strong, consistent, and not easily turned away. This kind of love is best fueled by the Love coming from the heart of God. Even though he was bit, Steve did not turn away from caring for our family dog. He understood that Walker needed his care more than ever. Walker couldn’t respond with appreciation or even cooperation, but Steve did not abandon him. As you comfort your friend, I pray that the God of all comfort will be present with the two of you and His faithful healing hand will soothe the pain and heal the wounds.
