Grief Complications for this Caregiver

Did I discard too quickly? Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash

~ Reflections about care-giving AND grieving my mom ~

This morning I put this in my gratitude journal:

I am deeply grateful to find a new “treasure” that was my mom’s amidst the few things of hers we have not thrown out, sold, or given away. I wonder about all the papers and photos we have tossed. Should I have been more careful?

At the time I only wanted to distance myself from my mother. I had become unconsciously enmeshed with her as I cared for her over the years. Due to her emotional dependency on me throughout my entire life, I craved space from her. Parting with her boxes of photo albums, and files of papers seemed to provide the autonomy I longed for.

Today, now four months past her death, I am finding places of sentimentality that I knew would someday bubble up. Healing of raw wounds works that way. I found myself grateful this morning for the small devotional book I discovered in a stack of her journals. It hadn't been sold in the estate sale or taken to the thrift shop. As I opened the cover, to my surprise, I read a message from me and my family penned in 1997. We had given it to her at a challenging time in her life. It is now mine, a simple treasure that helps me remember my mother. It is just a little thing she has left behind that blesses me now. How special is that?

Note to self: Next time, take your time. I think I was too hasty in discarding what was left behind. I know the recommendation is to go slow, take your time, and not rush yourself as you sort through things. Yet I was hasty. I know we do not always have the leisure to take our time. And I really did not have tons of time to go through each box and photo album. But in my case, it had much more to do with my need for emotional separation rather than lack of time. Yet, I’ve come to experience healing in choosing what to keep and what to discard about the story of my mother, both physically and emotionally. It is interesting to me, as time passes, I question myself. Did I make a mistake? And will I really regret what I have discarded? (In hindsight, 2 years later, I am not as sure that I was too hasty. What I have kept of my mother’s seems right to me now.)

Helathy grief is all about what to keep and what to discard. This goes for the physical things as well as the emotional bagage we carry with us. We don’t always get it right. But that is the process. If you feel regretful for some of the “things” you parted with, please be comforted to remember that you have memories, you have others who remember too. You also might accept that after a while, “things” are not as meaningful as we once thought. The “treasures” we keep in our hearts are always with us. What we learn along the way is the important thing. If you know there is hurtful emotional bagage that you have kept, please be comforted to know that forgiving is healing. Forgiving is not condoning, but rather letting go of the pain we have felt due to another’s words or actions. It doesn’t make those words or actions okay, but rather, choosing not to carry the pain any longer.

Two years later, I find myself remembering my mother with fondness. The burden of being her caregiver has lifted. My heart is healing which leaves space for happy memories. I am grateful for the things I have kept and let go of, both emotionally and physically. I am at peace.

©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day