The First Time I Missed My Mom

~ Reflections about care-giving AND grieving my mom ~

Today I missed my mom for the first time since she died. You might think me cold-hearted. But I am not.

It has been exactly 3 months since she died. Why has it taken me so long to miss her? I think it is because I have been distracted from my grief since my mother's death. Care giving and being the executor of her estate has reduced my capacity to feel and focus. It takes so much energy to deal with all the legal paperwork and cleaning out her home. There is noting left of me at the end of my days. I would love to focus on recuperating from the long months and years of caregiving. But that isn’t happening. This is a legitimate thing, not only for me, but for many others in my same position.

Many caregivers are exhausted by the time the one they are caring for dies. In my case, it has taken some time and distance from the intensity of caregiving to begin noticing I am finding myself. In the meantime, I make the effort to practice good grief awareness and have chosen to work on my physical body by walking, eating healthy food, and keeping up my water intake. Even then, I face feeling overwhelmed and waiting to get through the business of what I call “after death mop up.” (Yet, it would take many more months for my mental acuity to return.)

So what made me miss my mom this morning? A week ago I shipped off 2 boxes of her beautiful red goblets to Carla, a friend who is like family. After receiving them yesterday, she texted me with joy over their arrival! Instantly, I wanted to tell my mom how happy Carla was to get her red goblets. I knew my mom would have been thrilled. She longed for her “treasures” to go to those she loved and who would treasure them too. My mom and I would have talked about how "precious" it was that finally we found the right person for the red goblets. She would have told me stories of how she collected the set and I would have told her all about my memories of those goblets being at nearly every Christmas table.

I have been saying for weeks that I know my tenderness for my mom would BEGIN to return only as my body and mind began to heal sufficiently. It seems that a tiny bit of healing is taking place and I am relieved and happy to honestly say, "I miss my mom."

©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day