Grief Like a Train

Do you fear the unknown destination of your grief?

The ride is scary

I don’t know about you, but one of the most disturbing aspects of riding the “grief train,” is the feeling I can’t get off.  There is a total sense of loss of control.  One day I was going about my life, making decisions, acting on my thoughts, engaging with others and being in control of most of the day’s outcomes.  Then the one I loved with all my heart dies and it’s like being swept away in a train, destination unknown, traveling alone, fearful of strangers, hungry for the ordinary. All the while I am holding my broken heart that still throbs in my hands, mocking me with its thousands of pieces.  The ride is scary because I can’t see much through the windows.  From what I can make out, a dense dark wooded forests goes on forever. Hills and tunnels come unannounced. The ride is relentless, no stops.  Even the nights haunt me with the clickity-clack of deep pain surfacing in my dreams.

Will I ever gain control of my life?

You may have shared a few of these feelings as your grief train barreled through your life.  If so, I want to come sit with you a while and ride together.  I’d be honored for you to share your story. Would it be consoling knowing someone cares and listens?  Would you allow me to point out a few scenes along the way that will give you hope and allow relief.  Yes, the train does slow and the scenery changes.  There will even be places for you to disembark and find joy in living again. 

But if today, you feel like you are riding all alone and out of control on the grief train, I want to step on board and share a little something that might be of help.  May I?

Start with Self Care

What would you think if I told you that there is a place to begin gaining personal control in your life of grief?  What if you could discover a way to ride the grief train feeling like you were in charge of something? 

In my deep grief, after the death of my son, I discovered I could control how I treated myself.  What do you think of that possibility? While I couldn’t control the overwhelming emotions, I could control how I treated my body.  I could control when I went to bed, even if I couldn’t control when I slept or awoke.  I could control what I chose to do during those awake hours. I could control what and when I ate, even if I didn’t feel like eating. I could choose to take a walk, or got some exercise.  I could choose to step out of the house to garden, or listen to some music, or pray or journal even if my feelings didn’t agree.  These were activities I could manage even while the grief train rattled down the track. 

What would happen if you made a mental or physical list of all the things you still have control over?  What would happen if you chose to make really positive and healthy choices for your body and mind while you grieve?  Do you think it would help the pain and suffering?  I do.  As a grief coach, I see it happen over again and again.  When my clients begin to take control of their personal, physical bodies, they find that the intensity of grieve is more bearable.   If you give it a try, you might discover the same for yourself. 

You will find a great list of ways to take care of your physical needs during your grief ride in our book, Comfort for the Day.

© Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2020

Photo by Derek Story