How to “BE THERE” for a Grieving Friend

The Comforter

Sep 10

Have you gotten a little tired of hearing the statement, just “be there,” in relationship to a grieving friend? Maybe you are a bit confused because you have found that “being there” works part of the time during someone’s grief and sometimes it doesn’t. My husband, Steve and I have recently been discussing that “being there” is not a one size fits all formula or method. Maybe you are wondering if there are better times to act or speak. And when you do, what would be good to say or do for a grieving friend?

Push Past Our Discomfort

Following the accident where his oldest child was killed, Jess’ grief overwhelmed his broken heart. His best friends were paralyzed by his pain. But one friend pushed through his own discomfort and called Jess one Sunday morning.

“I don’t have any words that will change things. But I want you to know I am here with you. You don’t need to talk. Or you can talk as much as you want. I’d like to take you for a hike. Could you be ready in about an hour?”

At the end of the hike, Jess had shed necessary tears and shared parts of his grief story while his hiking friend practiced “being there.” Both men parted with a strong hug, grateful for the time shared and they committed to future times together.

Benefits and Applications for “Being There” with a Grieving Friend

1. Being silent and willing to listen relieves us of any misguided responsibility to try to “fix it” for them. They need to grieve. We can’t do it for them. “Being there” defines our subtle yet comforting purpose.

2. “Being there” is deeply appreciated by most grieving people most of the time.

3. When I am “Being There” with a friend or family member, it is quiet, judgement free, and comfortable reassurance. This gives them freedom to express whatever is coming up for them and be comforted to know they are not alone.

4. Often grievers move from the need for us to “be there” with them to actually needing us to participate with or for them. Caution: we want to do our best to empower our bereaved friends, not make them dependent upon us. However, if there is something useful we can do to help them, by all means provide that assistance.

5. Sometimes “being there” looks like offering a foot rub, making a pot of coffee or tea, going fishing, vacuuming the living room, hanging with the kids or taking them to a park, golfing, a regular morning or evening phone call, mowing the lawn, fixing a fence, taking the car for an oil change, or going on a hike. I think you get the picture.

6. And when we do speak, maybe it would be best to be authentically curious about the grieving. We might ask, “How is your grief today?” or “I am here, but don’t know what you need most. Do you need me to quietly sit with you or take you out for dinner?” or “You know I care, please tell me more about _(their deceased loved one)___.”

We would really appreciate hearing from you. Do you have an experience “Being There?” We can learn from each other through either positive or negative outcomes. Your story is welcome here.