Independence Day Grief

I spent the 4th of July at a boat party hosted by John,* a recent widower.  My brother-in-law, Dennis,* is one of John’s best friends.  Here is what I noticed that gave me insight into healthy-healing grief work.

The Best Friend

Best friends of grieving men are invaluable to the bereaved IF they are men who are willing to BE present with another man in his emotional pain.  My brother-in-law, Dennis, is one of those men.  He and John joked and retold stories of crazy shared past experiences.  Dennis listened when his friend circled around to include stories of his beloved wife.  John told tales filled with nostalgia, pride for her accomplishments and influence, tenderness for her suffering, and choked up with tears when his emotions needed release. My brother-in-law simply listened and let his friend BE what he needed to BE at the time.

The Widower

The courage he took to invite not only his best friend, Dennis but also my sister, niece, my husband, and I was a sign of adjusting to his loss and a different position in life.  After being married for 40 years, one becomes naturally identified as a couple, not a single person.  So as a single man, hosting a 4th of July event on his boat, John was purposefully taking steps to thrive again.  John explained that he chose to spend the 4th with all of us instead of his kids and grandkids because he needed to venture out on his own and avoid emotional dependence on his family.  Grieving is hard work.  It requires intentional decisions and actions that will move one towards healing.  John did that kind of hard work this 4th of July.

Intentionality to Heal

How can we all be a little more like John? Maybe it starts with knowing who is emotionally safe for us. Surround ourselves with these friends. Take steps towards adjusting to the absence of our spouse. Anticipate that it will feel awkward or different for a while. Trust that we are supported by Divine love, grace, and comfort to do the work of grieving. Allow ourselves the freedom to feel the loss and pain, even in the presence of our friends. Journal about the event, including what worked and what we might do differently next time. Write a letter to our spouse as a release for unfinished conversations that need to find a resting place for our own need to welcome a different identity.

Independence Day

If your marriage was close, bonded, and loving, the love for your spouse will never fade like fireworks dissipating in the night air.  If the relationship was difficult and challenging, then possibly the negative and hurtful remembrances can dissipate best with a chosen act of forgiving. While you didn’t desire independence from your spouse, you have found yourself living independently by the very nature of his or her death.  Independence is now a new way of living day to day, yet your heart will ever be touched with explosive memories that will dazzle and sparkle in the night sky of your soul. Just as a new country was made, a new individual is being formed.  That is you.  Will you be courageous to grieve well, make choices that lead you towards adjustment and healing, and reach out to others to be with you as you learn a new way of life? 

I know John’s example has impressed me. I hope it will encourage you.   There is a lot of life after loss that is waiting to be lived by you. 

©Karen Nicola/comfort for the Day 2021

Photo by Karen Nicola