Baby Grief Steps

Just as we grow into an adult stride, we start in our grief with “baby steps.” photo: Daiga Ellaby unsplash

Somewhere along the line, you must remember holding a child’s hand to help them walk. Our adult steps slow down and patiently wait for those little legs to go the distance. Possibly, you can even remember your first steps, or pictures of those precious moments are vivid in your mind. Why are a child’s early steps so important? Maybe, it is because they represent launching toward all that life has to offer. But not all that awaits us is wonderful. I suspect that you are reading this right now because you have encountered a recent death or significant change in your life that might have you in the grip of pain.

When loss interrupts our natural rhythms of life, when too much change changes our capacity to see past the next moment, when we are sliding down a ravine out of control, we might need a little assistance to gather ourselves together again. Even Humpty Dumpty needed help. Unlike “all the king’s men” there is real help for grieving and broken hearts one baby step at a time. And this is why I write my blogs, to share with readers, grievers, and those who can’t see through the tunnel of their dark pain, that there is hope.

Don’t Compare ~ Your Grief is Uniquely Yours

Because everyone has a different approach to life, we will respond differently when loss changes our lives. Some swallow it by gulps, leaps and bounds. Others take in only a little at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed or finding themselves in a challenging situation that requires more than their tentative nature can handle. For the sake of the most timid, and crushed heart, let’s talk about taking baby steps to move forward. Grieving well is not a race. You will not need to push through to cross the finish line ahead of another.

I once listened to a bereaved parent explain her reaction to attending a support group for mothers of children who died of cancer AND mothers whose children were still living with treatment and hope of a cure. The combination was plain awkward. Every mother couldn’t help but compare their precious child’s cancer, cancer treatment, and outcome with another. But that left every mother with more concerns, questions, and pain than before the meeting. The only common thread was cancer. The variety of experiences did not comfort each other.

So NO, No, No. Do not look at your grief story or another’s as a template by comparing any part of your story with another’s. When we do compare our loss and grief stories with someone else’s we might find our hearts moving backward instead of forward toward healing. Support groups have their greatest benefit when attendees are supported to have different perspectives, stories, feelings, and processes. They can gain strength from each other’s stories best when they have the freedom to be uniquely themselves in their grief. The common thread is grief or love for their children, but not likely details of their stories.

Grief Temporarily Limits our Capacities

Back to baby steps. As grievers, we learn early that our new experience is moment by moment. We are suddenly limited in our capacities to manage life. There is too much for our mind and body to absorb all at once. Unfortunately, there will be big things to decide, such as burial arrangements, estate management, a potential move, children’s needs, and so much more. We will talk about that in another blog. But for now, let’s see if we can permit ourselves to take it slow. Accomplishing only one thing is fine. Taking baby steps is welcomed because we just can’t keep up right now.

Baby Steps to Re-invite Hope

David Kessler recently had a wonderful list of baby steps.

Consider noticing and looking towards small pleasures to practice re-inviting hope into your world:

• Feed the birds. Notice how they take turns at the feeder and return day after day

• Watch the sunrise or set and spend a moment of silence reflecting on the love you have for your loved one

• Enjoy a warm cup of tea and take a moment to truly savor it with all your senses

• Observe nature thoughtfully, really see the sprouts on your houseplant or the tree on the corner of your block

• Start a journaling ritual to create space for your thoughts, feelings, and reflections

• Plant some seeds on a windowsill and watch them grow and reach toward the sun

• Take a photograph of something that you find beautiful each day

I liked that David talked about re-inviting hope into our lives. Practicing these baby steps is a wonderful way to live with or without our grief.

I find my greatest hope comes from the companionship of God. Keeping my focus on the face of The One who loves me most, puts all the other pressures of grief into perspective. God knows my limitations and the need for small steps right now. He knows yours too. If Jesus hasn’t yet become a valid reality in your life, please consider what comfort and help can come from His Divine compassionate heart. You might even find yourself taking baby steps toward Him.

©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day, April 2024