Grief Care Competency or Humility?

Tom sat alone in his truck. “No one gets how this feels.  No one understands my mixed-up emotional chaos.” 

David had just left Tom after taking him out for dinner.  He thought he had supported and comforted his grieving friend.  He had the right words and phrases and avoided the ones he knew wouldn’t help.  Both men left that evening not realizing what could have been different.  Have you ever thought you provided comfort to a griever, only to discover you missed the target?

HERE’S A QUESTION FOR ALL OF US

Greif care literacy and grief care competency; are these our goals for learning to become better supportive friends?  I read an article recently that suggested otherwise.  When we seek to master a skill, the risk is to think of the skill set. With our eyes on the skill, we can become blind to the human response or interaction.  As I think about that concept relating to those of us who want to become better at supporting a grieving friend or family member, maybe the safeguard is to remember that our interaction is not about us, it's all about the griever. 

“ . . . grief [care] cannot be "mastered" in the traditional sense but requires a continuous process of understanding and adapting to the diverse needs and experiences of each individual griever, their needs and experiences that will continue to evolve across time.”  WYG LITSA

 WHAT I DON’T KNOW

With this in mind, I wonder if we can pursue comfort skills through the lens of remaining teachable.  Who is our teacher?  The griever is.  Every person grieves uniquely.  Therefore, every interaction with grievers needs to be personalized to them.  Could we take the griever's cues?  Could we listen to their needs, rather than assume we already know what they need?  Do we know the grieving person’s personality or anything about the relationship they had with their loved one?  Would that information be helpful?  Are we humble enough to acknowledge there is so much that we do not know about the griever?

HUMILITY 

As I keep thinking about this, it seems to me that humility of heart might be the best prerequisite for authentically stepping close to someone in emotional pain and sorrow. There is so much we do not know.  We know far less than what we think we know.  While we teach comforters how to comfort listen, there is a time when asking questions for clarification will help all of us.  Then listen more.  Notice how the griever is interacting with his or her emotional waves. This will take time and many contacts together. 

 GRIEF CARE CAN BE AS MESSY AS GRIEF

No griever can follow a prescribed agenda, therefore, we must be flexible, taking their lead, learning from them, and gently, lovingly, caring for them despite their messy and unpredictable journey.  It might get messy for us too.  Are we willing to admit we do not know what they need from us AND be open to learning from them?

“Grief [care] humility is an approach that recognizes the intrinsic uniqueness of each grieving individual. It involves self-reflection, an acknowledgment of the vast unknowns in the grieving process, and a commitment to ongoing learning from diverse grief experiences.” WYG LITSA

 LEARNING FROM THE GRIEVER

What would have happened if David admitted he didn’t know what Tom needed or was experiencing?  He did not know how Tom was feeling.  How could he have expressed his care?  What if David dropped all ideas that he knew what Tom needed?  What if he listened to learn from Tom?  What if he recognized that he was the student and Tom was his instructor?  Could David have gained insight into what Tom was facing with his grief?  Would it have been a more fulfilling and genuinely comforting experience for both of them?

LEARNING THAT I DON’T KNOW

I am learning that I don’t know it all, and neither does anyone.  The best course of action might be to start by admitting we don’t and can’t know the experience of any other human being.  So the best way to approach our grieving friends and family might be through humbly admitting our ignorance and at the same time, showing them our compassion and care. If you were a griever, would you find that supportive?

 WYG LITSA https://whatsyourgrief.com/shifting-from-grief-literacy-to-grief-humility/

Photo by Shane Rounce on Unsplash

©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day March 2024