Unexpected “First Dates” with Grief

She always loved the ooey-gooey treat while I sat by her side . . . photo by Photo by Yosep Sugiarto on Unsplash

MY MONDAY MOURNING ~ reflections about grieving my Mom

Since my mother's death in late March, I've encountered my mother's birthday and Mother's Day. Those were expected "first dates" without her. They are on my calendar. These days generate expected feelings of loss, loneliness, longing, and hope.

Last week I unexpectedly bumped into another type of "first date." These are events that open up the heart to memories that are NOT expected. They appear out of nowhere. They do not live on a calendar but behind bushes, jumping out at us as we walk through an ordinary day.

Attacked by a “First Date”

As I drove happily on my way to Christian Women's Retreat, I turned the corner, where just a year ago, I pulled into the local breakfast/ bakery that specialized in Cinnamon Rolls. I was on a mission to take an ooey-gooey treat home to my mom. I often brought her apple fritters from Apple Hill or a sweet roll. She always loved the ooey-gooey treat while I sat by her side, telling her all about the retreat.

As I drove past the bakery, sadness washed over me. This is the first time I will not need to bring my mom a treat. This is the first time I will return and she will not be there to hear about the weekend. This was indeed one of my unexpected grief "first dates."

Other first dates occurred when vacationing at Tahoe. This was not the first time being at the cabin without her. But it was the first time since her death. And that seemed to accentuate my last memories of her enjoying our family vacation. Unexpected "first dates" are alive with vivid memories that bring both sorrow and smiles. I realize that not all unexpected “first dates” are pleasant. Some can be re-traumatizing. That will be a conversation for another time.

What to do with the “First Date”

Here is what I discovered about unexpected “first dates.” Rather than attempting to push the memories aside, I dive into them. I feel them. I smile, I cry, I pause, and put my memories, thoughts, and feelings on paper. While I had been caught off guard, I chose to be intentional about how it made me feel. I put the memories on paper so I no longer needed to carry the sadness about them.

I anticipate more expected and unexpected "first dates," especially as the holidays are just around the corner. I will do my best to plan for the obvious firsts that are already on the calendar. And I will allow myself to engage with the unexpected firsts that will come out of the blue to remind me of my mom.

What have you done when encountering unexpected “first dates?”

© Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2023