Finding Myself After Loss

From My Monday Mourning Series ~ Transparent grief after my mother’s death

Traditions

I‘m noticing small ways that my behavior indicates restoration in my personal life after being my mother’s caregiver for 6 years. I have come to realize that caregivers have different needs early on in their grief as they adjust to the absence of their loved one.

Lighting Candles

I lit candles tonight for the first time in our "new" home. This has been a Friday dinner tradition of ours since we married. The tradition was passed on to me by my mother.

When she died this past March, we inherited her home. Although we had lived in it for 6 years with her, we rarely lit candles on Friday night. I'm not sure why that lovely tradition went by the wayside. Only recently has my mom's home begun to feel like our home. And so tonight, I lit candles.

Make way for the New

We've made several changes in the house, such as new paint and flooring throughout. We are nearing completion of a remodeling job in the master bathroom. At the same time, I have finally been able to set up furniture and some décor that is ours in exchange for my mother's style and content.

I am also making changes in myself. The way I feel about things in general. The way I am at ease in my “mother’s” home that is becoming mine. The feelings and thoughts that go with these changes are a process of adjusting to becoming myself after such a long time of “being my mother’s caregiver.”

If you have been a live-in caregiver, you will understand when I say, "It feels good to have our own space again." As much as we love our parents or whomever we are caring for, we go without a sense of our own space (physically, emotionally, & socially) during that time of caregiving. Whether we move out or stay in the home like Steve and I, it feels like we are starting all over again. And I want to celebrate noticing these first moments of normalcy, rebirth, restart, or whatever you call it for you.

Grief & Celebration

Do you ever wonder if permitting yourself to feel happy, content, surprised, or celebratory goes against your grief? It would be easy to lay a guilt trip on ourselves. But healthy grief prepares us for embracing the "new" while still recognizing the loss. Healthy grief helps us remember the one we love and permits us to find ourselves again. We got lost in the caregiving, so finding ourselves is a part of working through our personal loss and healing.

I don't know what you are noticing about finding yourself. Mine was lighting the candles tonight for the first time in our home. It has been nine months since my mother’s death. I’m glad I don’t have to grieve under someone else’s time frame. In what ways have you “found” yourself as you live your life after loss?

©Karen Nicola 2023