What to Say to a Grieving Friend

Grieving friends can feel very isolated and alone. photo by Jan Canty from Unsplash

You just got the news that someone in your circle of friends has encountered a broken heart over the death of someone important in their inner circle.  What are you feeling?  What are you thinking?

Here you are, going about your day, facing its challenges and rewards.  Then from out of nowhere, you become aware that a friend has received devastating news of loss, pain, and death.  How you respond can make all the difference for your grieving friend and yourself. 

You might be saying to yourself, “I have no idea what to say or how to respond.”  “What if I make it worse?”  “Maybe I need to leave them alone for a while.” . . . And so actions are made that distance yourself from your friend’s sorrow. Sometimes the griever becomes isolated because their friends are ignorant about how to be with him or her during these dark and painful times.

But you are here.  That means you are looking for something that will help you support the griever.

You are doing the right thing! Take a breath, give yourself some credit, and keep reading. 

You are about to learn how to become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

First

Take a moment to slow down and think of your grieving friend.  Avoid pity.  Embrace your fear.  Your unknown.  Your hesitation.  Spend a few moments being honest with yourself. Then ask, “Do I want to allow my fears and uncomfortableness to stop me from showing support to someone who is hurting?” Then make an intentional choice to be the best supportive friend possible.  It is all about them.

Second

Take some time to think about what they might be feeling. Shocked, overwhelmed, relieved (yes, in some circumstances relief is a natural response to the end of life for someone who was suffering), sad, hurt, angry, confused, in a fog, etc.

Third

Your job is not to change any of that.  Follow their lead.  Your job is to simply accept whatever they are experiencing.  Your job is to come alongside and permit them to be whatever they need to be.  It is your job to step through your fear factors like a superhero, not to rescue them, but to be silent with them in their agony. That takes some super-human strength! There are no words that will take their grief away.  Your job is to support them in their grief, NOT to take it away or distract them.  Follow their lead. It is all about them.

Fourth

When it is your turn to talk.  Simply acknowledge their pain, their loss, their questions, their fears, etc. It might sound something like this:

“This is really hard.  It might feel like it will be too much.  But I am here to support you.  I think you are strong enough for this.” If you are a person of faith, now is a good time to express confidence that God is with them in this pain and He is strong enough to give them everything they need to heal.

“I wish I could take it all away.  But I can’t and I won’t even try.  But I am here to support you.”

“Do you want me to say something, or would you prefer silence right now?”

“When is a good time for me to call?  I’m committing myself to listen rather than offer advice.”

“I am thinking that you could use something to eat.  Can I bring over something warm and comforting?”

“You might not feel hungry, but a little food would help fuel your body for this intense workout with grief. I’m bringing some soup and we can eat together.”

Are you catching the intentionality of offering support without minimizing their loss and grief?  As supportive friends, we remember that right now, it is all about them.  Our words can’t fix it for them. But our presence, kindness, understanding, and our silence can encourage them to continue their journey of grief. They know they are not alone because they’ve got you. 

Before you leave this article, please visit our online store which contains a beautiful and beneficial book called Comfort for the Day.  Sending this to your friend will be a grief tool in their hands for healing. You will find Cards that Comfort.  You can purchase an online video course as a gift, called Grief.YouHaveOptions that is like having their own grief coach, 24/7.  You can also subscribe him or her to HelpText~ a service that sends appropriate texts to your friend for 12 months.  Comfort for the Day is your go-to place to find supportive resources for the long term.  Your friend will thank you for doing so.  Because it is all about them right now.

©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2024