How Delaying Funerals or Memorials Impacts Grievers
I know it's summer, but “school” has been in session for me—the life-learning kind of school.
Early this summer a dear friend died of cancer. We knew when Cynthia was diagnosed at stage 4 that the prognosis would be challenging. It was. She put up a valiant fight for her life. One of the many wonderful relationships to live for was our friendship group of four women.
Once upon a time, we were not grown-up women. We were school girls attending elementary school, then high school, and eventually roomed together in college. Yes, four close friends can be roommates and still love each other.
Years into our adult lives, we started spending retreat weekends with just the four of us. What treasured memories we created! We feasted, hiked, laughed, and shared our hearts, growing even closer as we committed to pray with and for one another. Then we began to pray for each other's children. I think, our friend, Cynthia, was the most ardent prayer warrior of us four.
This is the back story so you can understand how much my heart misses this beautiful person. Her absence is not an easy transition for her family and her friends. She occupied large spaces in our hearts and her community.
No Judgement Here
Since Covid, there has been a trend that gives us new ways of planning funerals and memorials. I’m not sure it is for the best. As I write this, I am sensitive to the reality that in some cases, families must set a date far in the future to celebrate their loved one's life. And that is probably the case for my friend's family. What I need to explain next is NOT a judgment of them or anyone else, but rather what I have learned through personal experience and observation.
My Summer School Lessons
Here is what I am learning.
~ We do better when we can gather soon to mourn together.
~ We do better when funerals, memorial services, or celebrations of life follow soon after a death.
~ We do better when there is a resting place that can be visited.
~ We do better when we can talk early on about our waves of emotions, confusing thoughts, and spiritual questions with each other.
~ We do better when we pause early on to count our blessings in knowing someone who positively influenced our lives.
Expert Collaboration
I discussed these concepts with a colleague in grief-care work. We both agreed, that delaying services puts a griever on pause. Grievers need to do the first work of being supported by friends and family who come together to remember, reflect, and acknowledge their mutual loss. This coming together is not an experience of “closure,” but rather a step in permitting the next part of grief to begin.
“What is that next part of grief?”
The next part of grief is learning to adjust to our loved one's absence. How encouraging to begin that part of the grief journey with friends and family gathering to mourn, support, and acknowledge the deep pain of loss with each other. That gives each other permission to move forward in grief!
I know, because our remaining two friends and I met on Zoom to share our broken hearts, questions of faith, memories of Cynthia, and tears. We spent nearly two hours listening, crying, sharing, and grieving together. It was immensely healing and actually allowed us to begin the next steps in our grief. Cynthia's service is still two months in the future. Our broken hearts couldn't wait that long. We found a much-needed way to release our grief and began to move forward.
A Few Takeaways
When you face the next death of a loved one in your friendship group or family circle please consider these recommendations:
Schedule the funeral, memorial, or celebration of life as soon as possible.
If the service must be delayed, make the effort to get together as early as possible with a few friends or close family to weep, talk, pray, share memories, and support each other in a smaller group.
If the deceased family member has requested no services, you can make a different choice, because the service is not for the dead but for the living.
If there is no burial location, select a commonplace of memorial so family and friends can go there to remember the deceased.
Being intentional about early grief rituals is extremely beneficial for grieving hearts and prepares grievers for a better outcome.
Each situation and family is unique. Decisions about funerals, memorials, or celebrations of life will have many factors to consider. For the sake of your grief, I hope you will find a way to experience early mutual support from friends and family. It really does set the stage for the next part of your grief. Grieve well, my friend.
© Karen Nicola 2024
