I was a Caregiver and I’ve lost my Grief

The photo is my way of capturing for the family, the memories of my mother’s life. We placed this basket on her casket. It spoke to us so much more deeply than flowers ever could.

~ Reflections about care-giving AND grieving my mom ~

It wasn’t until after my mother died that I encountered something I didn’t know about caregiving and grief.

On March 25, my mother died as I was getting her tucked into bed. We expected it, but not then. If you have had a loved one in Hospice care, you know that anticipatory grieving accompanies each breath they take. And you know that when the last breath comes, it is still unexpected.

What I didn’t know was that as her primary caregiver, I had to heal from caregiving before I could even find my grief for my mother. You see, I was relieved after she died. Her limited and suffering life was at rest. Yet, I could not find my pain or sorrow for that. As I tentatively shared my experience with others who had provided care for someone they loved, many of them knew exactly what I was talking about. I was not alone in not knowing that caregiving family members grieve differently. Our grief can be put on hold because we need to recover from the intense responsibility of caregiving. Or our grief can get entangled with our exhaustion and determination to provide care. It is difficult to know where grief begins and caregiving ends. If we don’t know that is normal, we might find ourselves struggling with expectations, met or unmet.

In my case, I decided to relax and wait for my grief to find me. While I waited for my grief to come out of hiding, I intentionally did my grief work. I put my thoughts and feelings on paper regularly. I call it PYSOPing (Put Your Stuff on Paper). I found myself sittin in my mom’s room in the mornings with my notebook on my lap and a pencil in my hand. I put my thoughts, questions, and feelings, on paper and left them there. It worked. I was then able to focus on my self-care to restore my health.

My mother’s care over the past 6 years—8 months intensely with Hospice help—has been a new life experience for me. To my surprise, my grief is way different than I had expected. I am learning to I apply what I know to be healthy grief choices along the way. Will I always choose the best? No. And this is why I will show up here honestly dialoguing about what factors interfere with our grief and which ones help. I hope we will support each other and validate that grieving well is hard work that is totally worth it! So is taking care of oursleves after we have been taking care of our loved one.

How do you think caregiving impacts your grief?