We are Not our Best Selves when We Grieve
When others blow in like a storm all over my grief, I might also be a storm to them.
From My Monday Mourning Series ~ Transparent grief after my mother’s death
As I am walking through my grief, following the death of my mother, I have been keenly aware that I am not my best self and neither are others. What a mess!
I have taught others that grief is messy because our emotions are unpredictable and chaotic. But only now am I realizing that grief is also a mess because we are relational beings who have all kinds of relational challenges with people both near to our hearts and those at a distance.
Just when we could use some calm water and serene scenes in the landscape of our grief, what shows up? Others with their hurting hearts acting like crazy storms blowing in without invitation. Our grief does not give us a protective pass from others with challenging, mental or emotional health needs.
If hurting people hurt people, then I am bound to say or do things that are not my normal mode of operation. For that, I am truly sorry, especially when my behaviors have wounded others who are grieving in my family.
At the same time, I am a target for others to dump, correct, criticize, blame, or even shame me at a season in my life that doesn't need that extra stress. I just don't have the bandwidth to engage with more pain. The energy it takes to process, think, or problem-solve is nearly nonexistent. Grief, itself, requires energy I don't have these days. No wonder, I am unable to interact with others with all of my normally gracious focus.
For one of my rare moments, I do not have a solution for this awkward and hurtful part of tangled relational grief. I do know that I hope not to sever relationships as a result of my mother's death. How tragic would that be?!?!
Maybe open and honest communication would be a good line of offensive defense. In other words, I might take a stand to protect myself emotionally and simultaneously defend the relationship even when misjudgments and mistakes are made. Why? Because relationships matter to me and I want this pain to bring out my best rather than my worst. But when I am my worst, will others understand this is a temporary “me.” I know I will not remain in this state of hypersensitivity. But for now, I hope to give this understanding to others, even if they can’t give it to me.
Maybe a default I could choose would become wide open to forgiveness. Isn’t that a good option to embrace? I'll forgive you. Would you forgive me? And let’s keep working towards the same goal, to support each other in our grief, rather than make it difficult.
©Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2023
