Mourning Mother’s Day

Whether you are a mother who is mourning for a child, or you are a child who is mourning for a mother, or you are a mother who is mourning for BOTH a child and a mother, waking up on Mother’s Day morning means facing some challenging and significant pain.  I woke up with you on my heart.  While I am not here to suggest how you should feel, I am here to let you know you are not alone in what you might be feeling. Nor are you alone to suffer in your pain.  I am here with you today to support you and turn your grieving heart toward hope.

Mourning A Child or Children

If you have wept over a miscarriage, or mourned for the baby your arms can’t hold; if your child died, or if your child or children are emotionally detached from you right now, or if your child is missing, you are facing some important and necessary grief work today. Yes, on this Mother’s Day, when it is supposed to be a day to be pampered and honored, we get to work on our grief.  We get to honor and pamper ourselves by facing the pain and working it through much like getting a deep tissue massage.  It hurts while the one working on those knotted-up muscles presses deep into the pain to finally release the tension.  Yet the relief is worth the temporary discomfort. If you are willing to press into your pain to experience some relief, then keep reading. Flowers are on their way.

Stay with your sorrow until the tension is dispersed.

Mourning A Mother

While others are sending flowers and cards to their mothers, did you wake up this morning feeling like an orphan, or wrestling with being a motherless child?  You could be feeling the ache of losing your relationship with your mother due to dementia or estrangement. You might be grieving the loss of a connection with the woman who brought you into her world of chaos, neglect, or abuse.  You might mourn the absence of your mother’s embrace, her words of consolation, wisdom, and unconditional love.  Whatever it is like for you, your heart feels heavy, sad, alone, mad, and fragile. How will you heal the pain and awkwardness that you feel on this day, which is culturally set aside to remember mothers? 

Missing Your Mother and Your Child

I have a few friends today whose table has an empty chair from the death of a child, AND whose mother has recently died.  This is a double shot of pain and sorrow.  Getting through Mother’s Day will be your objective.  And possibly doing grief work might seem more than you can handle.  The pain in your heart seems to have no possible escape or relief.  Please keep reading, for there might be one or two actions you can take that would bring comfort for the suffering you feel today. Flowers are on their way.

Healing Grief Work

Ever heard the adage, “A woman’s work is never done”?  Waking up to Mother’s Day is one of those days when a grieving woman’s work is never done.  How? You might ask. Like doing laundry or cleaning up after meals, washing sinks and toilets, grief work is now added to the list of chores to pay attention to.  The difference is that doing healthy grief work really brings relief and puts your broken heart on a healing trajectory.  While you might have a simple sense of satisfaction over a household chore done well, grief work done well accomplishes so much more.  It honors the loved one who died.  It cooperates with God’s promise to heal our broken hearts.  It creates momentum for ongoing heart healing to take place. And gratefully, it provides an authentic and healthy release of the pain.

Flowers are on their way.

A Mother’s Day Grief Work Options

With your permission, I want to offer a few actions you can choose to see if they help on this difficult day.  Here you will find a variety of healthy grief choices, tools, and exercises.  Take what works for you and let me or others know how you worked through the pain of Mother’s Day.

• Grab that box of tissue and give yourself permission to cry. Let the tears flow. Physical body toxins are in those tears that need to be released.

• Call or text a friend, letting them know you are having a tough day.

• Consider that God, in His tender care, is present with you no matter how you feel. Keep your heart and mind open to His full knowledge of your pain and practice trusting Him to help you.

• Write a letter to either your child, children, or mother. Be real and honest. Let them know what grief is like for you, what you wish was different, how you are accepting their absence, and your hope in something better in the future. Ask forgiveness if you have regrets, give forgiveness if you have been hurt, and express your love. Date it. Put this letter in a safe place where you can come back to it as a healing affirmation of healthy grief work.

• Put your thoughts on paper about a new or different meaning you are creating around Mother’s Day.

• Read these Scriptures ~ reflect on one or two ~ apply it to your need right now ~ rewrite it in your own words ~ put it where you can see it. Is. 66:13, Is. 49:13-16, Ps.147:3, II Thess. 4:13-18, Ps. 56:8, Rev. 21:4

• Reach out to a child who needs a mom or a mother who needs the comfort of an adult child.

• Take flowers to the grave.

• Post memories on social media. It’s okay to let others know that not everyone is having a lovely Mother’s Day.

As you wrap up participating in any of the above healthy grief actions, pamper yourself physically.  Take a walk, relax in a bath, put on nice music, eat a yummy meal, and thank God for the strength He gave you to do the grief work needed for this Mother’s Day. I guess that next Mother’s Day will be better.

Oh, the flowers just arrived . . .

Here is my Mother’s Day bouquet to celebrate you! Wishing you a blessed and healing day. Karen

© Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2023