When Suicide Strikes
Rarely did I get a phone call while in the middle of class. Even more uncommon was pausing my sophomore Bible class to answer it. But this day I did.
The slow, steady voice of my husband immediately informed me that this was not going to be good news. As he unfolded the brief story known at that point, I felt my lungs gasp and my heart weigh down with information that would forever change our family.
At sunrise, our nephew had been discovered dead, atop a portico at San Francisco’s Palace of Fine Arts. All evidence confirmed that he had taken his own life. The unthinkable had entered the heart of this young man. He acted upon it to completion, leaving us, his family, to sort out the trauma, reorganize our picture of God, and continue living by whatever means we knew at the time.
Unthinkable, Unspeakable Grief
I wish I could say we all grieved well, but I can’t. But we all grieved. Suicide creates its own grief storm, and we each navigated it with the limited tools we carried. While we were able to talk freely about our love and memories of Garrett, each of us found our own isolated places to hold our feelings.
I harbored pockets of judgment and condemnation. His action was certainly a result of his drug and alcohol use. My heart shriveled as I drew my own conclusions about his addictions. Bear with me—I have never disclosed these damaging inner thoughts. (I beg you, reader, to stay with this narrative so you might learn from my mistake.)
As details of the last days and hours of Garrett’s life began to become visible through the fog of our broken hearts, I began to reevaluate my immediate position of judgment.
Asking Different Questions
It didn’t really matter what the details were; what mattered was that my heart began to make a shift. I began to notice that my personal conclusions were out of alignment with what I knew to be true about God. As the years have passed I am ever reminded that God has not left the judgment of my nephew (or anyone else) to my limited scope of knowledge. I have only the ability to see outward hints of someone’s inward life. But God sees from the inside out!
God perfectly knew Garrett’s struggles, darkest secrets, and deepest hopes. Can we accept that God traces from cause to effect for every life? In His perfect knowledge, God loved Garrett unconditionally. Did not the heart of the universal Father break to see our nephew live out his mental illness to the death? Yes! Could He have stopped him? Yes.
So the bigger spiritual questions regarding suicide might be: Where is God when people contemplate, plan, and prepare to end their own lives? Where is God when mental illness, depression, and pain take any of us to the point of wishing to end it all? Can we see God present with all assistance offered? Can we see God there in tears and heart and his breaking as free will is honored?
I must add another line of questions: Where is God’s enemy, Satan, at all times and at all places on this earth? Is he not a vicious lion prowling about to kill and destroy? Is he not intent on harming and bringing as much pain as he can to God’s beloved children, and thus to God? Is there a real influence of evil that we all struggle with every moment of our lives?
A New View of God
While our Christian faith speaks of victory over evil, God knows and understands when pain and mental illness take us beyond our limits. It is not an unpardonable sin to take one’s life. Just as it is not an unpardonable sin to misuse God’s name, lie, commit adultery, or steal. We all mess up, we all sin, and fall so deeply far away from God’s original plan for our lives. Our only redemption is the limitless grace of Jesus. In judgment of my beloved Garrett, I was as much in need of saving as he was.
“O God, please forgive me! Please heal my hard heart! Help me trust that You alone know Garrett’s heart, his struggles, his limitations, and his need for a Savior. Help me come close to others who struggle with depression, mental illness, and pain. Help me listen more and draw conclusions less. Please open my capacity to trust You with all the final outcomes of each of our lives.”
My hope for Garrett’s future isn’t built on him or me, I gave that up; now it’s built on God.
My turnabout has developed slowly yet profoundly, all because of these questions:
Would you look at the cross with me and see God hanging by spikes, taking in the screaming judgments of the crowd?
Will you listen to the demonic mocking mob cruelly misrepresenting the Father?
Will you consider that Father, Son, and Holy Spirit went through this experience?
Will you grant Them the full authority that is Theirs, that They have earned the right to read each heart perfectly?
As a grief coach, I receive phone calls from people with heartsick voices explaining the trauma of living after loved ones take their own lives. Families struggle with the assurance of seeing their loved ones again. I could never begin to come close to their broken hearts if I carried judgment about suicide. Condemnation never brings anyone comfort, hope, or healing.
God knows your grief and He knows how to comfort and heal your broken heart.
Pick up your book today and begin your healing journey.
©Karen Nicola 2018, revised 2022
