What the Grieving Need from You This Holiday
God’s Gift is the only one that brings healing to broken hearts.
Christmas had passed when Margaret realized she had forgotten to reach out to a friend whose grandson had died in August. Margaret’s heart sank. “I’m such a terrible friend,” she thought to herself. “Why didn’t I remember? Why didn’t I take a moment to think of others who lived through the Holidays with pain and grief?”
Because I do not want this to be your experience, I wrote this blog so you could be proactive this season to know how to support a grieving person.
While I am not usually a Debbie Downer, I will share 3 important things NOT to do, followed by a suggestion or two of how to flip that around and do what your grieving friend or family member might really appreciate right now.
NEW AWARENESS: Just because we have forgotten someone is grieving, THEY have NOT! They think about their loved one all the time. You cannot make them feel worse by acknowledging their loss and grief. But you can support them by acknowledging their pain.
Do not show up and expect the grieving to host you . . .
Sadly, this has happened more than once. Normal holiday gatherings are far from normal for the griever. Rather than expecting things to be as in years past, check in with your grieving friend or family member before making assumptions about their hosting capacities.
If you are wishing to be with a grieving friend or family member, what can you do to make it as easy on them as possible? They might feel most comfortable in their own home, yet do not have the energy to entertain. You could offer to bring the meal and do the clean-up. Let your grieving person know that you are totally, willingly, and happily available to bring peace and good food to him or her. Or, you can inquire to see how comfortable they would be to join you at your home.
Do not forget a griever during the holidays!
The holidays are so packed with extra activities, extra shopping, extra cooking, and extra social connections that we can easily forget about a friend’s grief, especially if they are several months past the death of their loved one. We can make the assumption that they are “over it” by now. We unknowingly do the most unkind thing by omitting to mention their loved one or acknowledging this is a painful time of year for them.
Please take this minute to do a mental inventory and think about anyone in your circle of influence who has buried a loved one. Think back as far as the beginning of this current year. Whose funeral services did you attend? Which colleague took bereavement leave? These are the people who are struggling this holiday.
Remember them with a note, email, or text.
Send them a Christmas Card that Comforts
Drop off a holiday plant or flowers.
Meet them for coffee or tea. Let them know you are aware this is a difficult season for them. Follow their lead for the conversation.
Remember them! Give them a phone call and LISTEN to their heart. They need someone to hear them. Avoid making the conversation about you.
Do not wish them “Happy Holidays!”
In a perfect world, Holiday greetings are a wonderful way to express our happiness and good cheer to one another. But not everyone finds themselves capable of experiencing “cheeriness.” Rather than declaring “Happy Holidays,” to passers-by, strangers or friends, maybe we could be a little more inquisitive and ask, “How is it with you this holiday?” This question means we will have to slow down enough to listen to the answer. I know we can often be rushed for time with a pressing schedule. So if we do not have the time right then, let them know you want to hear more. Then arrange a time that is convenient for both of you to follow up on this conversation.
Another option is to admit we are aware it could be hard. “I know this holiday must be especially tough without ______say the name _____. Please tell me what it is like for you.”
If you are sending a card, text, or email, you might find yourself writing something like this:
“I hope this Christmas brings you some hope. Isn’t Christmas all about the Son of God coming to this world? He stepped into the pain of this planet because he cares. He will always care about your pain too. I have hope that your heart will heal because I trust the One who knows how to heal broken hearts.”
If you wish, you can order our Christmas Cards that Comfort that says it all with a beautiful message of hope and healing.
Being there for our grieving friends and family is easier than we might think. When we give ourselves a minute to consider how it is for them, when we inquire about them directly, and when we remember them in a variety of ways, we are truly living out the deepest joy of Christmas ~ to comfort one another with the comfort God has given to us.
Hope your Christmas is a blessing to others.
© Karen Nicola 2022
Photo by Victor Guevarra on Unsplash
