Who are We Really Mad at in Grief?
Are you mad at the one who died? Incase you are, I want you to know that anger towards our loved one who died is a normal reaction. Incase you have not yet been mad at them, please read this. You might need it in the future.
I struggled when I bumped up hard against my feelings of anger towards my son for dying. How could I love and miss him AND be mad at him? I’ll let you know how it progressed in just a bit. But first, have you felt similar confusion for anger towards your loved one?
Its Irrational
Being mad at our loved one who died is normal. I also know that when compared to rational thinking, it makes little sense, but who said grief makes sense? Most of the time it doesn’t. And when we bump up against part of our grief that seems too embarrassing to mention, that is the time we need most to mention it, so we do not become trapped by our own irrational thoughts and emotions.
Who are you mad at and why?
Maybe one of these “Mad” scenarios resonates with you. Maybe not . . . yet.
Mad at your dad for dying and now he cannot walk you down the isle for your weeding
Mad at your husband who died and left you alone to raise the kids
Mad that your wife who died and now you don’t have a clue how to make your own meals
Mad at your brother for dying, leaving you abandoned to live from this point forward without his help
Mad at your child for dying resulting in such indescribable pain.
Mad at the important person who died because of unresolved issues between you that didn’t get resolved; they never apologized, or they didn’t take responsibility for the pain they caused you.
Possibly your anger is tied into other factors. Can you identify those factors?
A Rational Transition
Our language is a peculiar thing. Simply shifting a word can turn our irrational thoughts into rational ones.
Are we really mad “AT” them? Or are we mad “ABOUT” the results that are hurting us because they died? As I’ve mentioned before in other posts, “hurting people hurt people.” When our heart hurts, it is natural for us to want to hurt back. So being mad at the important person who died becomes a perfect target for our hurting and angry feelings.
As I mentioned earlier, I remember being mad at Dawson, our son who died at age 3 from leukemia. It began several months after his death. First, I was mad at our little one-and-a-half-year-old daughter for not napping. Then I was mad at my husband for going to work and not being at home when I needed him. Then I was mad at Dawson for dying and leaving me in all this pain. Lastly, I was mad at God for all of it!
Being mad is normal but allowing it to mislead ourselves away from what is truth will eventually do us more harm than good. Being mad and angry are the emotions, but thinking it through brings us back into clarity. Being willing to think about our feelings is part of our grief work. By remembering that we are not really mad at a person, but rather we are mad at the results of what has happened following the death of someone important, we can move forward in our grief.
When I thought it through, I wasn’t mad at my daughter, my son, my husband or God. Instead, I was hurting and angry at the results of that pain in my life. Maybe when you think it through, you will find relief for your anger and clarity so you can move forward in your grief.
© Karen Nicola/Comfort for the Day 2020
Photo by Antonino Visalli
