The Feeling of Longing

We know the feeling when we look off into space longing to see our loved one again. We understand the deep ache of missing the sound of their voice or the touch of their hand. Longing. It is a grief experience. It weaves in and out of the rhythm of our grief and often gets less attention than some of the other expressions of loss and pain.

I remember longing to hear my son’s sweet voice, to feel his tender arms wrap around my neck and hold me. And now 35 years later, I long to have watched him grow, make friends, fall in love, and have a family. Either forward or backward, the look of longing is part of our grief experiences.

Not all longing is fueled with tender or sweet thoughts. Some longing burns with regrets, bitterness, and anger over unresolved hurts in the relationship. Should we discard them? Push them aside? Indulge them? Expand and develop them? How do we evaluate the source of the fuel that ignites our longings?

Honesty

Here is where being honest with ourselves plays a critical role. What if there is no condemnation for its source? What if we could discover simple choices that will help us heal and comfort the longing?

A few ideas how to engage with longing

· Accept the longing

· Evaluate its source

· Put it on paper

· Submit it for healing

Accept the Longing

I have discovered through the years of moving forward in my grief that pushing aside any of my feelings, thoughts, or concerns will leave me less whole. On the other hand, when I engage or interact with the varied grief experiences, I come to resolution, acceptance, healing, and find the ability to continue moving forward. By facing the longing and acknowledging its arrival, I keep it from going deep, festering, and leaving my life “stinky” with unresolved grief.

Evaluate its Source

Being honest with ourselves is not always easy, but very useful. As you review your longing, what kinds of feelings are attached to it? It could be love mixed with regret. Could you sort that out on your own? Would a counselor help you with that?

Put it on Paper

This is why I like to put my stuff on paper: I gain clarity as I write. I start out with messy, unorganized thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. I never pre-think or mentally prewrite. That is a sure way for me to be less honest with my heart. So I just begin where I am at and put on paper what is coming from my heart. This process can bring insights, release, hope, adjustment, and acceptance. Whatever is keeping you from putting your stuff on paper is nothing compared to the benefit you will gain by doing so!

Submit the Longing for Healing

The problem with longing is that we may struggle with its persistence. We may need a healing power beyond our own self. Submitting it to the God-of-All-Comfort, has been useful for me. Are you able to trust that God knows and understands your aching heart better than you do? Can you submit the longing into His gracious care? Will you receive His forgiveness for all the regrets or blame that fuels the pain in your longing? I hope you will consider that Love is the enduring force of all time and with that Love comes mercy enough to soothe our pain and heal our broken hearts. (Ps. 147:3)

I have found that longing is a lifelong resident of my grief/healing story. I have come to accept my son’s death and absence. My day-to-day life is filled with good things, happy events, and connected relationships. But from time to time longing for Dawson will come for a visit. This is when I choose gratitude for his short life we shared, and thanksgiving for the regrets and pain God has healed. But every time I pause to put my longing on paper, I am always better for doing so.

Comfort for the Day, a book to write in — “This book helped me so much because it was a safe place for me to expresss my feelings as I put my stuff on paper.”

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Longing