Bridge Building
Crossing a bridge toward someone in pain can feel intimidating. But it is not about us, it’s all about them.
Start with Spying
You might have thought I was spying on my neighbor. I could see him in the front driveway, and it seemed he wasn’t headed out. In reality, I was watching for just the right time to take over a plate of fresh homemade cookies.
“Why?” you might ask.
We live in a very friendly neighborhood. Just last week my husband, Steve, stopped by to welcome the new baby born on New Year’s eve. While there he found out why, a week before, we woke up at 2 a.m. to the sound of a fire truck idling its engine. Another neighbor up the hill had suffered a fatal heart attack the day after Christmas.
Grief Support Feels so Awkward
Do you ever feel awkward and hesitant to purposefully reach out to someone who is grieving? What if it doesn’t go well? What if I get it all wrong? What if I hurt their feelings? Would this be the right time for them?
MEMO to self: THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, ITS ABOUT THEM
How Did it Go?
Yep, I wanted to make sure that my visit was timed just right. When I finally chose to cross the street and walk up the hill, I found Clark (pseudonym) outside with the garage door open, cutting the limbs of the old Christmas tree. He smiled and greeted me. While Clark had met my husband, Steve, we had never met. I introduced myself. The first thing he wanted me to know was his brother had died. I listened. Then he wanted me to know why he was cutting up the old Christmas tree. I listened. Then he wanted me to know about how they sold property in The City and bought this place in our neighborhood ~ a home for him and his brother to retire in. I listened.
Then I asked about a service for his brother. I listened as Clark shared more of the difficult situation of facing life without his brother, not sure if he should have a service or not. I listened, then offered to be of any help should he choose to have one. It sounds like he has few family members to support him at this time.
All Feel Unsure
Please don’t think me a supportive-friend-hero. Even though we give workshops and seminars on how to be a skillful comforter when the need is right in front of us, we are like the rest of you; unsure of what to do and say. For several days Steve and I pondered how to express our care for Clark. We don’t know him well. Sometimes these neighbors seemed loud and raucous. But we knew there was pain in that home. What would be the best way to connect during this tender and vulnerable experience?
We are fortunate to have a core group of people who like to get together to talk about how we can be better supportive humans for those who are grieving. Their suggestion was to take him food. Of course! What a terrific idea! The plate of cookies became a bridge for Clark and me to meet and share a caring and vulnerable conversation.
It might not always be cookies, bread, soup, or a meal but there are all kinds of “bridges” we can travel on which to meet the needs of the grieving.
Other Bridges
Maybe it would be helpful to have a resource of other “Bridges” to connect with a grieving neighbor.
~ fresh cut flowers
~ a card
~ a smile and a favor, “Please tell me about your brother.”
~ a gift basket with a candle, a book of encouragement, a few chocolate bars, and a gift card to a restaurant in the area
~ an offer to help around the yard, or house
~ an invitation to come to your home for coffee or tea, or a meal.
Another Bridge on the Horizon
Since my visit with Clark went well, Steve is thinking of making a pot of his famous bean soup and taking it to the neighbor across the street whose son-in-law just died of cancer.
Building bridges to connect is a great start toward feeling a little more comfortable and motivated to step into another person’s circle of pain. When we do, it makes such a difference for a brokenhearted griever.
We Want to Hear More
Let us know how you have built bridges to connect with someone you know who is grieving. And let us know what others have done for you that met your need.
Give the gift that will take your neighbor to the next level of healing.
