A Grief Cliché that is a Myth

Time doesn't heal ~ God does

Have you ever tried to console a deeply hurting friend by reminding them that “time would bring healing?”  With all good intention, the phrase sounds nice, but it may be less comforting than hoped for.  These are a few clichés about time we have all used:

“Time heals all wounds.”

“It just takes time.”

“Give it time.”

Time does work to dull, or dim the intensity of many of life’s experiences.  Memories fade in time.  The intense feelings lose their edge.  But does that indicate healing has taken place?  Probably not.  The myth is that “time” is a healing agent. It is not and it never can be. Would you say to your messy garage, “Time will clean this up?” Neither would you say to a sink full of dirty dishes, “Time will clean this up.” It is not “time” that cleans up the mess, it is you that cleans it up. Does that require “time?” Absolutely. Time is required for your grieving friend to heal, but it will be the work of grief and the gift of God that does the healing, not “time.”

Learn from the Griever

As a griever, I have learned that God is the Healer of my brokenness, not time.  I have noticed that God uses the medium of time as part of his therapeutic protocol.  But it isn’t the time that heals me.   I have come to realize that no amount of time left to my own pain can do the healing work.  We are free moral agents.  That means even grievers can choose what we do with the 24 hours given to us each day.  We can choose to participate in our healing process, or not.

Left to our own pain, we could choose a life of denial to hide from the pain. We could abuse substances to soothe the ache. We could try anger to manage our need for control, or choose other destructive behaviors.  So what are we to conclude about how time and grief interact?

Support without Cliché

As supporters of the grieving, we come alongside them with good intentions. We want them to feel better. And now we know that this cliché about time doesn’t work, but rather perpetrates a myth. It would be a better option for us to omit the cliché and be real. We might say something like this instead:

“Grief takes some intentionality. I believe you have the courage to do this.”

or

“When your grief seems non-stop, I know God is working to bring healing to your broken heart.”

As we encourage grievers with God’s faithfulness to bring His healing, we are truth telling.  God understands.  God cares. God knows how to reach them in their points of desperation.  God is committed to bring beauty from their ashes of pain and grief.  He is planning a future and a hope for them.  But it is still God who does all this healing in His time.  Not ours! 

When Supporting the Grieving Gets Hard

We may, at times feel tired of someone else’s pain.  It may be taking more “time” than we signed up for. That is why

• It helps to have a network of supporters.

• It helps to set healthy boundaries between us and the griever.

• It helps to keep in mind that God is responsible for healing their broken heart.

It also is permissible to suggest professional help for your grieving friend. Grief. You Have Options is an excellent online resource for grievers to experience gentle, caring guidance for their grief journey. Or you might have a grief coach in your local area you can refer them to. While you cannot force anyone to follow through with a professional coach or therapist, you can encourage them to access the help that is available.

The good news is that God doesn't ever tire of the cries for help from broken hearted humans. He is working to bring comfort and healing for the long haul.  As supporters to the grieving, we can confidently transfer our weariness to God’s limitless care and resources.  Please keep in mind that God is working to bring them the healing they need.  God makes this claim,

"He makes all things beautiful in its time.”  Eccl. 3:11