Grief is a Hot Mess
Reno’s Hot August Nights
Nearby where I live, Reno Nevada turns into a city-wide car show accented with classic Rock’n Roll music. The event is called Hot August Nights and it lasts for about a week. As I think about the month of August, I am reminded that Summer does not give up quickly. Instead, for most of us, we are in for a long run of hot August nights minus the cars and music.
Grief cooks up its own heat, often fueled by festering anger. As a grief coach, I am completely sympathetic to people’s anger. I also want to help them understand what is fueling the anger, so they do not live the rest of their lives in a “hot mess.”
This month you will see a bit of a theme in my social media posts. Anger, frustration, short-temperedness, irritability, and snappy attitudes are not fun for the people who live near us in our grieving angry seasons. So, what can we do as grievers to live through our “hot August nights” with as little damage to ourselves or others as possible?
Pick up your copy of Comfort for the Day, Living Through the Seasons of Grief to help your anger cool down.
Possibly you are taking your grief-anger to work, and your colleagues are not sure what this is all about. Maybe, you have such little energy that it is difficult to interact with the kids or teens in your home, and you find yourself short-tempered. You are running on empty, and it is hot, both physically and emotionally for you right now. Or you have run a low-grade “anger fever” for so long you hardly recognize the insipid side effects of lethargy, little motivation, and moving through the paces without joy or desire.
FIRST, ACKNOWLEDGE
Could I offer you stop, and first acknowledge that you are simmering just beneath the surface? Maybe it is deeper than that. Maybe way down inside you, like molten lava deep beneath the surface of the earth, you sense the rumbling of an emotional eruption. Once we acknowledge our anger, we can take the next look around in that space to discover if the fuel to the anger is coming from FEAR or LOSS of CONTROL. It is a devastating reality to admit we couldn’t control that the one we love and miss died.
Either or both fears and loss of control are fueling the flames of anger for most grievers.
SECOND, FACE THE FEAR AND LOSS OF CONTROL
We can start by asking a series of questions.
The death of someone we love might be the biggest fear we will ever face. How have I survived so far? Do I want to get through the pain handicapped or healthy? When I face my fear head-on, do I know there is power and strength from God to deal with my fears? When I can’t face my fears, do I find protection and comfort in trusting God can and will walk me through this? Am I willing to see a grief coach or therapist?
If I allow the sense of loss of control to keep fueling my anger, will I ever be able to heal? Can I use my anger to turn it into something productive like how the Mothers Against Drunk Driving did after their children had been killed in car accidents involving alcohol? Can I choose to take back what I can control in my life, such as my own choices for self-care, gratitude, forgiveness, and kindness?
Yep, August might be a kicker of a hot month, but each time the temperature rises, please remember that your choices can turn your personal thermostat down and the “hot August day or night” of grief’s anger will dissipate.
I hope you pick up your copy of Comfort for the Day that can give you insights into your grief’s anger and bring healing.
© Karen Nicola/Comfortfortheday 2022
Photo credit Photo by Manny Becerra
