When Grief and Gratitude Co-Mingle

The Hurting

Nov 9

To my friends who mourn during this season of giving thanks, I give you space to do so. I give you the freedom to grieve. I offer you support in your bereavement. The crazy paradox of what you are experiencing and what others are celebrating may feel like knives stabbing the already shredded parts of your heart.

Grievers do Hard Things

And yet in all of the anticipation of thankful expectations, our best course of action is to be authentic and honest with ourselves as well as others. We might not feel thankful. It might be difficult to even think about one good thing in our lives right now. So when I suggest that we can both be free to grief and free to gather gratitude, please keep reading.

Gratitude and grief can co-mingle. In fact, research is validating that the exercise of purposely naming things, people, situations, nature, etc., that we are grateful for has the ability to reduce emotional stress. My understanding is that it opens pathways in our hearts for healing that would otherwise be crowded out by our worry, fear, pain, and sorrow.

If you are like other grievers, you have faced many new and difficult experiences since your loved one died. Learning how grief and gratitude co-exist will now be among those difficult tasks. In fact, learning to find the capacity to be grateful might be one of the best things you can experiment with especially during the upcoming season of Thanksgiving.

Step One

First, may I suggest spilling your pain out on paper? Let the feelings flow, let them go. CAUTION: Writing a “gratitude” list before attending to your pain, might result in building a façade ~ a pretense or false appearance of gratitude. So let the anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, and regrets spill out on your pages first. Feeling the loss of what and who you miss right now is a healthy first step for holiday grieving. Hold nothing back. Weep, cry, and scribble if need be. Putting pain on paper is a positive option. It allows for the release of grief’s tension that does not need to take residence in your heart and body. Letting it go leaves space for the possibility of holding gratitude.

Step Two

Take a break or at least some deep breaths. Relax. Pause and look outdoors. Is there color in the sky? A bird song in the air? Warmth in your home? Slippers on your feet? A pet nearby? Focus on the simple yet often overlooked pleasant things in your life. Now begin to make a list of a few things for which you are honestly thankful. Absorb their significance. Are you grateful for farmers who grow food and others who harvest it? Are you grateful for your hands that can grasp the pen and your mind that can direct it to write yet another gratitude? Are you grateful for the love and support from friends and family? See if you can list 5 to 10 genuinely gratitude-producing observations. And then do this again tomorrow and the next day . . .

I hope you better understand how grief and gratitude can co-exist. This is yet another season in your grieving. How do you want to live through it? Living genuinely with our grief means being honest with the pain and dealing with the hurts first, thus creating space for gratitude.

My Thanksgiving prayer for you is that you will feel emotionally safe as you anticipate the holiday. I pray that your heart will be receptive to comfort, tenderness, and healing. If open to God’s comfort, I trust the Divine Comforter will provide the solace, peace, and hope you need most. May you have a genuinely thank-filled season being free to express your grief too.