Conversations for the Hurting
What might seem easy for others in their grief is hard for you, and vice versa. Grief is an emotional load. Learning how to manage the weight is new to most of us. However, if we ignore what we don’t know and push on due to neglect or distractions, we will likely harm ourselves even more.
Just as Jesus survived his birth in a messy barn, we can survive our messy grief. He did not live his entire life there. And neither will we.
At the time I only wanted to distance myself from my mother. I had become unconsciously enmeshed with her as I cared for her over the years. Due to her emotional dependency on me throughout my entire life, I craved space from her. Parting with her boxes of photo albums, and files of papers seemed to provide the autonomy I longed for.
Many caregivers are exhausted by the time the one they are caring for dies. In my case, it has taken some time and distance from the intensity of caregiving to begin noticing I am finding myself.
What I didn’t know was that as her primary caregiver, I had to heal from caregiving before I could even find my grief for my mother. . . .It is difficult to know where grief begins and caregiving ends.
Find a pen and paper. Allow your real, honest, and true self to spill out on the lines. Fill the page with what you are really feeling and thinking. Now that you have a broken heart, there is no need to pretend. Let the pen release your deepest pain.
As I drove past the bakery, sadness washed over me. This is the first time I will not need to bring my mom a treat. This is the first time I will return and she will not be there to hear about the weekend.
When loss interrupts our natural rhythms of life, when too much change changes our capacity to see past the next moment, when we are sliding down a ravine, out of control, we might need a little assistance to gather ourselves together again. Even Humpty Dumpty needed help. Unlike “all the king’s men” there is real help for grieving and broken hearts one baby step at a time.
Healthy grief helps us remember the one we love and permits us to find ourselves again. We got lost in the caregiving, so finding ourselves is a part of working through our personal loss and healing.
Maybe, your life feels pretty stinky, out of control, uncomfortable, and overwhelmed. Here is my great news for you, there are options to start cleaning out your “stinky” grief and find healing for your sorrow and pain.
Are you sad, deep down for the country you have known as “home? . . . How do we engage in the ambiguous grief of our changing nation? . . . It is possible to grieve AND find beauty, joy, and peace. . . I also am discovering a new awareness to celebrate my eternal and true citizenship! . . . Think about support and encouragement existing apart from any negative or hurtful presence!!! That is comforting news for me on this 4th of July.
Most grievers are somewhere on the spectrum from gentle to complicated grief. You might find it useful to evaluate your stories surrounding death or loss that have been important to you. No matter where you place your grief and loss on the line, you will benefit by learning about healthy, healing grief.
Did you notice I added “healthy” and “healing” as a description of grief? The other option is unhealthy, unhealed, and possibly hurtful grief.
I have taught others that grief is messy because our emotions are unpredictable and chaotic. But only now am I realizing that grief is also a mess because we are relational beings who have all kinds of relational challenges with people both near to our hearts and those at a distance.
Ever heard the adage, “A woman’s work is never done”? Waking up to Mother’s Day is one of those days that a grieving woman’s work is never done. How? You might ask. Like doing laundry, or cleaning up after meals, washing sinks and toilets; grief work is now added to the list of chores to pay attention to. The difference is that doing healthy grief work really brings relief and puts your broken heart in a healing trajectory.
So the holidays are over but life is not getting back to “normal.” Grief is still the unpredictable ocean of emotion. Your heart might still be trying to navigate the swells of grief that ebb and flow. Possibly, the storms or waves of grief feel like they overtake you.
I do know enough grieving people, that when they say they had a “breakdown” it means they had some “ugly” tears. Today ugly tears are talked about in contrast to a gentle rolling of tears down your cheek. The term “ugly” tears could include anger, wailing, fear, and loss of control. No matter what the “term,” the feeling we have when we cry from the gut is what “ugly” crying is all about.
As a grief coach, I receive phone calls from people with heartsick voices explaining the trauma of living after loved ones take their own lives. Families struggle with the assurance of seeing their loved ones again. I could never begin to come close to their broken hearts if I carried judgment about suicide. Condemnation never brings anyone comfort, hope, or healing.
Wherever you are or whatever you are experiencing in your grief right now, there is a never-ending source of comfort available to you.
I want to be around far longer for my friends and family than my mom was. That means taking care of myself and choosing physical and mental health ahead of numbers and work hours. I want to do better for myself than she did while continuing to do things for others like she did. It’s a balance I always want to strive for.” Janell
Grief cooks up its own heat, often fueled by festering anger. As a grief coach, I am completely sympathetic to people’s anger. I also want to help them understand what is fueling the anger, so they do not live the rest of their lives in a “hot mess.”
Finding ourselves is part of healthy-healing grief. What we once were and who we are becoming through our grief can become a good change. It’s up to us.
If kintsugi taught me anything, it was that sometimes our broken hearts do not go back to the same way they were before our loss. We might become something completely different ~ Good ~ Beautiful ~ Useful ~ Contributing.
Hope keeps you human. It reminds you of a more true song inside you that nothing—not even death—can steal away.
One reason why grief makes us tired is that it’s just plain overwhelming. Dealing with emotional, complex, and stressful experiences is likely to leave us emotionally exhausted.
Fall might be the season when those who grieve can put the pain and suffering into perspective and be reassured that healing does come.
Put Your Stuff On Paper/PYSOP has nothing to do with school. If writing seemed like a struggle for you, reframe Pysoping this way: Pysoping is to the broken heart what Drano is to a clogged drain! It is a release valve that allows your emotions to flow freely in a safe place on paper. There are no grammar, spelling, or handwriting rules to follow when we PYSOP. So put pen to paper fearlessly. Let all your thoughts and emotions, questions, and fears flow out from your body and heart. Our emotions are messy, disorganized, random, and unpredictable. What goes on paper should reflect what is in the heart.
I deeply appreciate how Jesus can redirect our screaming “WHY?” questions, by acknowledging the pain, then offering something that comes from His Kingdom of Love, Mercy, and Grace ~ His PEACE. This peace is real, my friend. It doesn’t come from our circumstances or our psychology. It comes from God.
In a way, grief that heals is a process of sorting through physical and emotional stuff. Sometimes it’s referred to as grief work. We need to face what we will keep and what we will let go of.